Leading Theologians Announce Plan to Rewrite Bible in Rust, Claim It’s “Memory-Safe Salvation”

Jerusalem, June 25, 2025 – In a move that has left biblical scholars and coders alike clutching their pearls, the Global Council of Theologians has unveiled an audacious plan to rewrite the Holy Bible in Rust, the programming language beloved by self-proclaimed “systems wizards” who’d rather debug memory leaks than touch grass. The project, dubbed “Scripture 2.0: The Borrow Checker’s Gospel,” aims to modernize the ancient text by leveraging Rust’s vaunted safety features and its fanbase’s insufferable enthusiasm.

“This is the future of divine revelation,” declared Archbishop Thaddeus “Thad” Codewright, sporting a “Rust Evangelist” T-shirt and a man-bun tighter than a mutex lock. “The Bible’s been running on unsafe C-like prose for millennia—full of dangling pointers to outdated parables and undefined behavior in Leviticus. Rust’s borrow checker will ensure every verse is memory-safe, immutable, and free of runtime errors. No more theological segfaults!”

The announcement has sparked outrage among traditionalists, who argue that porting sacred scripture to a language obsessed with “zero-cost abstractions” is an affront to divine simplicity. “The Word of God doesn’t need a compiler!” bellowed Pastor Ezekiel Flint, waving a King James Version like a battle-axe. “These Rust zealots are turning the Good Book into a 10,000-line crate nobody can parse without a PhD in lifetimes!”

Yet the Rust faithful are undeterred, citing the language’s cult-like community as uniquely qualified to handle divine refactoring. “Rustaceans don’t just code; we believe,” said Sister Clara “Clippy” Nguyen, a former Mozilla intern turned nun, who claims Rust’s error messages are “like God whispering linting advice.” She’s already drafted a Psalm macro that enforces strict ownership rules on prayers: “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want—unless I explicitly borrow His grace.”

The project’s GitHub repo, hosted under the Vatican’s official account, has already amassed 12,000 stars and 47 unresolved issues, including a heated debate over whether the Book of Genesis should use unsafe blocks to simulate the chaos of Creation. Contributors are required to sign a Contributor Covenant Code of Conduct, which has drawn ire for being “more dogmatic than Deuteronomy.”

Divine authorities have weighed in with mixed reactions. God, reached via a celestial Zoom call, was visibly exasperated. “Look, I wrote the original in Aramaic and Hebrew on stone tablets—robust, no dependencies, ran fine for centuries,” He thundered, adjusting His halo. “Now these Rust nerds want me to deal with Result<Miracle, Error> for every smiting? I’m omnipotent, not a build server. And don’t get me started on their ‘async await’ for prayers. What’s wrong with a good old synchronous ‘Amen’?”

Jesus, ever the peacemaker, took a softer stance while sipping kombucha at a Nazareth co-working space. “I get the appeal—Rust’s all about safety, and I’m all about saving,” He said, stroking His beard. “But their community’s a bit… intense. I tried suggesting a simpler parable syntax, and they flame-warred me on Discord for not grokking their borrow checker. Plus, they keep calling me ‘The Original Open-Source Messiah.’ It’s weird, man.”

The Holy Ghost, true to form, was cryptic, manifesting as a glowing terminal window. “I am the Spirit, the Wind, the Option<Divinity>,” it intoned, flickering between bash and fish shells. “Rust’s type system is a shadow of My mystery, yet its fanatics lack humility. They demand I conform to their trait bounds. I say unto thee: beware the cult of Cargo, for it buildeth naught but pride.”

Critics have also pointed out practical hurdles. The Book of Revelation, with its apocalyptic complexity, reportedly causes the Rust compiler to choke, with build times exceeding 40 days and 40 nights. Meanwhile, the Ten Commandments have been refactored into a single enum with 10 variants, which Rust purists claim is “more idiomatic” but has left casual readers baffled. “Thou shalt not covet? More like CovetError: BorrowedValueStillInScope,” quipped one X user.

As the project lumbers forward, the theological Rust community remains defiant, chanting “Fearless concurrency!” at press conferences like it’s a revival tent. Archbishop Codewright dismissed naysayers with a smirk: “Haters gonna hate, but Rust’s the only path to salvation. Python’s too dynamic, Java’s too corporate, and don’t even talk to me about JavaScript—Ecclesiastes in Node.js would be an abomination.”

Whether Scripture 2.0 will ascend to canonical status or crash like an unhandled panic!, one thing’s certain: the Rust cult’s rewriting the rules of faith, one borrow check at a time.